Colin Kaepernick

Sarcastic Formula for Demonstrating Patriotism

            By kneeling during the national anthem, Colin Kaepernick undertook an action that has led to significant scrutiny whereby his deserved treatment for such behavior has been proclaimed to be everything from execution to acclaim for heroic and necessary posturing. I am proud to announce a strict formula whose application will begin to reveal the extent of anyone’s patriotism and aid in ending the debate regarding Mr. Kaepernick’s dedication (or lack thereof) to our country. This objectivity will clearly be superior to the subjectivity of every individual’s personal beliefs because one cannot dispute mathematical precision.

Earning Points to Demonstrate Patriotism (refers only to activity for the national anthem)

  • Standing or exercising one’s constitutional rights during the national anthem (1 point)
  • Being totally stationary while gazing at the flag if it is present (1 point)
  • Saluting or placing one’s hand over one’s heart (1 point)
  • Proudly singing the exact words (3 points)
  • If not singing, remaining totally silent until the final note is sung or played (1 point)

(Many people disrespectfully chatter or shout before the absolute end) (-2 points)

  • Proudly exclaiming, “The USA is #1” at the conclusion of the national anthem (1 point) and waving our flag (1 point - or 3 points if the flag is larger than 6 ft. by 8 ft.)
  • Wearing only red, white, and blue apparel (2 points) that has “The USA is #1” written with at least three inch letters on one’s clothing (2 points – or 3 points if the slogan is written on the front and the back of the outfit)
  • Approaching and reprimanding anyone who ignored the above statements (1/4 point for addressing each guilty party); this alone could result in a large accumulation of “patriotic points.”
  • Tolerating legitimate differences among all who hear the national anthem (5 points)


                             Since the outcry for or against Mr. Kaepernick’s patriotism has been regarding only his actions during the playing of the national anthem and not anything concerning the Pledge of Allegiance, our sacred flag, home displays, writings, or any actual concrete services to benefit our country, I have limited my precise formula to address only a person’s behavior related to the Star Spangled Banner. I shall delay the disclosure of further critical parts of my “patriotic formula” for a later date, perhaps, when our attention may focus on other aspects of Mr. Kaepernick’s demeanor. However, based upon my current revelations about a singular episode, one can at least begin to identify those with anti-American tendencies. What beginning patriotic rating would you receive in just this one category; or is my formula ridiculous because one’s degree of patriotism will always be “in the eye of the beholder,” never to be specifically determined?